♥Feel the breeze

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm sorry I did mention that I will try not to 'abuse' my blog by venting negative feeling about it but I had to. And I'm terribly sorry. FIRST UP!

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously think I have some MAJOR issues with my sister. Seriously, my parents they didn't really gave us any specifications on growing up, they just pretty much gave us the usual like be nice. family is rock, you gotta love them because you're stuck and stuff.

well they didn't really put it that way but after 17 years that's pretty much how it got stuck in my head. Growing up with my siblings, honestly, the way I was brought up, I think there was more days where i DREAD the ending of school. It wasn't because I was mega popular or something its just that I just didn't want to go home. Since young, my siblings and I we grew up together. But that didn't mean we were super close or anything. sure, we look alike but the four of us?? We are completely different person. But it was bearable.

I guess all of it started when each of us hit puberty. My brother started to realize that the world evolves around him and if anyone wants his recognition, they have to prove it. Including my mother, then he started to not rebel but act like a complete JERK with no boundary. But I guess since young, my brother never really mean that much to me. He was always at the bottom of my 'family members i love most ' list. I guess he could've been on top if he treated me a little nicer. Anyway, as much as he's not exactly my favorite person, it still hurts to see when the computer is tearing the little good in him down.

When anyone at all yell at me, scold me, insult me, I have a pretty thick skin. I got it from where i come from, I don't put it to heart. I know it sounds cliche to those who spend majority of their time in front of E! news, but I think that's an important lesson to learn. If I had taken every little comments to heart, I swear I'm checking in a psycho ward the next thing you know.

But it's different you know, when those words come from people you care about. Especially people you put your world around. I guess there was a phrase in people's life where you just want to be a better sister and brother that you start telling them things that's happening in school and make your younger sibling feel like YEAH! WOW! MY SISTER IS AWESOME!!!! When the house was smaller and I had to share a room with my sister. I think that was the best days I've ever had. She would curl up in the bed with me and she would talk about her days and I would talk about mine. We would talk about guys in our class that we had a crushes on. If there was anything bothering us we would know. We might not talk much about things that are at the core of our hearts but somehow, we understand the space . And some of the moments where you couldn't open up to anyone, I always know she was there for me to listen. There were scars in our lives that each of us knew about. Little moments where when our parents asked something, there was identical smirk on our faces that said we know something. I was always sure about what you liked and what's happening in your life.

Then I guess you grew up. For the good and the bad. The good part?? Those are the parts without me. The bad parts?? The parts with me. You didn't understand how I felt. It felt like you just left me in a freaking Savannah and you took our horse out of it. Yeah, it felt like betrayal. At first I didn't understand, I wrote you a letter about my feelings and i shove it down your door. I didn't know where it went. I wrote you a poem on a bookmark as a gift and it ended in the trash. I tried to grow up, I try to be like you. All I had in my mind then was, I need to forgive you and catch up with you. Even if I didn't understand why I had to do it, I just knew I had to. And in that process, I lost myself. You weren't there for me. Sure, we talked. But the things we talk about are meaningless. Idols, songs, movies. I wasn't looking forward talking white trash with you, I was hoping something more. But I guess those were just a memory now.

I don't know how you're mind works now, I don't know whats going on with you. I know every materiel things you like now, but that's not important right?? It matters what's on the inside right?? Thats what you taught me. But why did you have to treat me like that?? When have you started to care about everything else but me. All the things I've learn from you, all the points about you that you were proud of. They are all going down the drain. I want to shake you and ask you, but I'm afraid to know the truth. Because in honest truth I think it's just me who think that way . It's just me and not you. We don't know how to say we're sorry anymore. We don't know when to forgive anymore. We don't know when to stop fighting. I've put you at the back of my mind a long time ago, when I gave up trying. I've not cared about you anymore. But why?? Why when you yell at me I will cry?? Why when we fight, I'm the only one crying at the corner. Why do you have to mean so much to me when you don't know me anymore??

I really miss you but now, RIGHT NOW I don't think I want to see you ever again. I just wish you would be a stranger that I smile to because you've seen each other once a year in an event but none of us got the guts to say hello. I just wished you would go and let me have a peace of mind.

But you know what's even more scarier?? Knowing that you would leave if I asked you to leave.

Danced at 2:46 AM